6 REASONS YOU SHOULDN’T DATE A VAMPIRE

So you’ve met a vampire and decided that you’re soul mates and you’re going to enter into a relationship. Goody for you. I’m happy for you, really I am. You can swoon as well as the next girl, plus you’re not in high school anymore so you’re ready for an adult relationship and it might as well be with Mr. Tall-Pale-and-Handsome over there who wears sunglasses too much. Just remember you’re going to have to be beating off the high-school girls with a big stick and you two should be fine, but remember that dating a vampire is not going to be as easy and glamourous as you think. 

6. YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU’RE BEING HYPNOTIZED 

First of all, everybody knows that vampires have the whole mind control thing down-pat.  You can call it hypnotism or glammering or whatever you want, but vampires have a way of getting inside your mind and making you do whatever it is they want you to do.  They will straight-up Jedi-Mind-Trick your ass.

There are all kinds of theories of how this would work especially in a real-world scenario, but that’s not what we’re looking at here.  Imagine for a second that you meet this guy/girl that you just have the absolute hots for and they tell you they’re a vampire.  From that instant, you; re going to be wondering if you had been mind-tricked into noticing them in the first place.  It’s just going to get worse and you’re going to be constantly second-guessing every decision you make with them.  Did you jump into bed with them that first night because it was something you really wanted? Did you give them the last piece of pie because you wanted to see them smile, or because they really wanted it and had tricked you into it, because as we know there are no laws when it comes to the last piece of pie.

See, when it comes to relationships, the human mind is seriously screwed up and is already full of all kinds of doubts and insecurities.  Throw in the fact that you’re dating a vampire and you’re always going to be wondering if your partner could resist the urge to mind-trick you into doing something, even if it is just to shut you up over that last argument about what to watch on Netflix.  That kind of doubt eats at relationships over time, not to mention the whole dating scene, but what’s worse is…

5. THERE ARE LOTS OF SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET 

Face it, your average younger vampire has got to be pushing at least eighty to a hundred years, no matter if he looks like he’s still in his twenties.  There will be some older ones of course, but all of the emotional baggage they’ve picked up over the years, not to mention the motley collection of friends, human and otherwise.

At some point the issue of exes always comes up, if not the really stupid question of how many people each of you have had sex with. Important note for you here: do not ever attempt this with a vampire. You really, really do not want to know the honest answer, since they have that whole fast healing thing going on and have probably never had to really worry about catching any STDs, so yeah…. you don’t want to know.  Oh you already asked… you feel like shit now? You poor baby. Suck it up.  Where was I?  Oh yeah: baggage.

Apart from the hugely varied sex-life, think for a second of all the relationships and broken hearts that have been left behind, not to mention any children, who are probably your age or in some cases old enough to be your own parents.  There’s a reason why they claim in the movies that vampires can’t reproduce and it’s to make the idea of sex with a vampire seem all sexy and safe as possible. Getting pregnant is never sexy, so they kind of leave that part out.  If your vampire is smart, he doesn’t set up shop in the same city as his exes, but relationships are tricky things even if they ended badly and we tend to judge our new relationships based on the past ones.

Look me in the eye and tell me, you’ve never had a weak moment where you didn’t think abut your ex and how they made you feel and maybe you emailed them or phoned them up to say “hey, I just wanted to hear your voice…”  Your vampire is going to have a whole string of those and vampire or not, he still has emotions and a whole string of regrets. You haven’t seen ex-girlfriend drama until it stretches over several decades.  No wonder old Vlad is faking his death every twenty years and its to get away from exes like you. Which coincidentally brings us to…

 4. PEOPLE WILL BE ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL HIM 

Apart from the occasional ex-girlfriend or abandoned children coming to drive a stake in his ever-living heart, someone living for that long and with a certain kind of lifestyle, is going to attract and collect a number of enemies.  Quick! Name two people you know personally who you wouldn’t mind running over in a truck!  Hey, I said, two, not three. Vicious aren’t you; no wonder you’re dating a vampire.  Anyway, you live a fairly ordinary life, no supernatural stuff going on or even anything remotely high-stakes (except for the occasional firefighter, soldier or vampire hunter among you) and you already have people you’d love to kill.  Out there is someone who for whatever reason, also wouldn’t mind seeing you dead.  Your vampire will have pissed off a lot of people in the past century alone, for a various number of reasons, real or imagined.

People, who are not the living incarnation of a saint, have a tendency to nurse grudges and the longer they have to nurse that grudge, the more righteous it becomes. Some grudges can be cross generational (McCoys vs Hatfields anybody) or just sustained (Helen of Troy) and sometimes they become a force of habit or even a way of life. And that’s just looking at humans who have grown to hate this one dude over the decades, and not have even more reason to hate his ever-young ass if they ever happen to cross paths or hunt him down (the crossing of the paths being made deliberate you see).

The chances of your vampire lover pissing off a fellow vampire or two over the years is very high so you know at some point there’s going to be a long drawn out fight that seems to exist mainly to break as many walls and furniture as much as possible. It will be an epic fight and lots of good one-liners may be thrown around according to the level of hate, but this kind of fight is more foreplay than anything else as both vampires will limp away to heal and nurse that grudge for a few more decades. How you deal with the emotional damage from seeing your lover fight almost to the death while breaking almost everything you own (if they decide that this battle just HAS to happen in your apartment) will be entirely up to you, but that’s what insurance is for right? Tell me you did have insurance? Seriously? You’re dating a vampire and you don’t have insurance? What are you: reckless?

Look, you’re going to need the insurance because it’s not going to just be ex-girlfriends and old grudges coming after him. Where there is a vampire, there’s going to be a vampire-hunter and according to the expertise of said hunter, there’s going to be a hell of a lot of collateral damage. But don’t worry, the constant violence and threat of death (for you) will only make your love grow stronger.

Well, you’re going to need that bond because…

 3. (YOUR) BLOOD COMES AS PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP 

So you love each other despite the baggage, the constant suspicion that he might be hypnotizing you and bending you to his will and the fact that lots of people keep trying to kill your bae. Look at him, lying there all broken and beaten after surviving that last fight and here comes the plea that you’ve heard many many times, all with different reasoning: “Your blood. Drinking it will make me heal faster…” The last time it might have been that the “blood makes the sex better”, or “Just a little. I promise it won’t hurt too much…”. The thing is that you’re accustomed to your blood being on the inside and there is a morbid fear of letting any of it out. Why else do you think you’re so traumatized by papercuts, you big baby? Letting him drink your blood is going to be his version of convincing you to do anal, and the persistence and excuses are all going to be about the same.

The really screwed up thing is that after a while you’re really going to want to do it. It won’t even need any Jedi-Mind-tricks or constant badgering because that’s the guaranteed way to not get what he wants. In fact, when it comes up again, it’s going to be your own idea and it’s going to be because you know he wants it. We like to please our partners you see and when there’s something forbidden that has a slight kink to it, just knowing that the other person wants it so bad… well at some point you’re going to feel particularly naughty or take some pleasure in giving what has now become “the ultimate reward”, and before you know it, blood is going to be everywhere.

You, of course, know what happens next, and like all kids who’ve had a taste of the candy jar, he’s going to take all opportunities to have a treat, and he’s always going to want it all the time, until it seems like the blood is the defining aspect of the relationship. Sucker, but at least you knew what you were getting into when you started dating a vampire.

 2. ALL DATES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE AT NIGHT OR INDOORS

I hope you’re ready for a whole change in what you enjoy doing with your significant others because now everything you do is going to have to take place at night or someplace you guys can be together without exposure to direct sunlight. Get ready to love the mall again is what I’m saying. “But I only go out at night anyway,” I hear you complaining and I’m going to tell you to stop and think about that very carefully. Yes, a lot of your activities take place well after the sun has gone down, but unless you like going only to places that open late or are exclusively night spots, you’re going to be screwed. Oh and you better live in a big city. I’ve heard of some small towns where the buses stop running at 8 PM, so you can imagine the massive lack of nightlife in those kinds of places. It’s okay, most vampires will avoid small towns anyway since it’s harder to blend in.

Think of all of the places you like to go to for fun and you’ll realize that a lot of them revolve around being open during the day. Even places that are special trips like a water-park, a ballgame, or a museum, or the opening of that cute little shop or gallery that you’ve been invited to… you’re going to be making a lot of solo trips is what I’m saying. Vampire boyfriend/girlfriend is going to have to show up after everything is over and is going to develop the reputation of always being late. And forget about getting invited to any weddings, since your friends are just going to assume that your significant other hates and/or disrespects them since there is always an excuse for why they can’t make it, or once again, they’re always late and that is a huge sign of disrespect.

Sooner or later there’s going to be a huge fight and that’s because it’s frustrating as hell to date a vampire. Of course, he/she could always ask you to make a choice…

1. YOU’RE GOING TO ASKED TO BECOME A VAMPIRE

Here’s the biggie, and I know you’ve been waiting for it. After dating a vampire for however long you’ve been together, and assuming you haven’t moved in with each other and gone through the hell that that particular arrangement entails, sooner or later the question is going to be popped.

Much like marriage, this has probably been on your mind since you started actively dating a vampire and now here it is, the train of inevitability pulling into the station and waving solemnly (and expectantly at you). Some of you had already decided from the instant you started dating your vampire that it was what you wanted, after all, why else would you be dating an actual vampire, but if you’re a real person who is capable of rational thought and not just some made up girl named Bella who is just an avatar for an author, you’re probably going to look at the rest of this list and you’re going to say no.

Dating a vampire is hard enough and you’ve already pushed away a few friends with your changed hours and the constant bruises on your neck and arms that make it look like you’re being abused. Your nerves are probably shot by this point from all of the people trying to kill him and you may realize that it’s really not as easy as it’s supposed to be, and in fact becoming a vampire would just complicate your life even further.

Some of you will be romantics and declare that he’s your soulmate and you’ll be together forever or some such shit, but please for the love of god, wake up! Most normal relationships go through a lot of changes and it can be a struggle to keep them going when both of you are growing and changing and learning to love each other, no matter what. That’s the key thing about relationships: they allow you to grow as a person. What happens when you become a vampire? How long before you get sick of each other and then move away to another city before you start trying to literally kill the other person?

So where does that leave you? Take my advice: date the vampire, have a fling and get your rocks off with some of the best sex of your life, but know when to end it, so you can walk away with your blood and sanity intact. At least you’ll know that if anyone tries to kill you in the future, they’re going to be at least human. Or so you hope….

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Copyright 2014-2017 Rodney V. Smith